Republica Santa Banana

The Pánico was a hundred feet below the surface, on the way to Nares Plain for an exercise, when the order arrived.
"Captain, we have a telegraph."
Eduardo Calamaro, the commanding officer of the submarine, took the strip of paper. He paled and his eyes threatened to pop out.
"With all due respect, did anyone tell our beloved Presidente how babies are made?" He passed the paper to the XO, who began reading loud.
"To help our declining birth rate, all members of the military are to engage in coitus every day, effective immediately."
"I'm down," piped up one ensign.

The two sailors were basking in the sun at the stern of the Dakka, anchored in the Bay Of Guinea Pigs.
"Say, Santana, when you wanna say never and you don't wanna say when the hell freezes over, is it when pigs dance?"
"Fly, Muñoz."
"Shit. We're gonna invent something new."
"Why?"
"Cerdogrande from the Pánico got transferred to the Air Force, and he had his first solo flight yesterday."
"Ah, so one flew at least. How did it go?"
"Wrecked the plane, but got out fine. No dancing though."
"Ah, that's still improvement over the last one they had."

"There better be a good explanation, Major Gaviota."
The commander of the Santa Banana Air Force, and currently its only member, nervously looked at the president and then his eyes rested on the mound of dirt in front of him.
"Yes, there is, Presidente. I took Lieutenant Sabueso up in Veronica..."
"Veronica?"
"Yessir, our Tiger Moth. I don't know who named it but it stuck."
"Continue."
"And he forgot to fasten his seatbelt and fell out ouf the plane. He made quite a crater when he fell so we just buried him right there. Why waste a perfectly good hole?"

Captain Calamaro of the submarine Pánico was enjoying his nap on the top of the vessel's command tower when the telephone rang.
"Admiral Marinero here. Pedro, can you explain to me why you requisitioned a third shipment of gas mask filters this month? There is no war or emergency. How do you go through so many?"
"You see, sir, it's Ensign Cerdogrande. When he eats beans, it's a disaster. Last time, Lieutenant Espadarte had to be hospitalised, he didn't put his mask on fast enough."
"Say, Pedro, has it ever occurred to you to have him transferred off the boat?"
"..."

El Presidente's afternoon nap on the balcony overseeing the Bay of Guinea Pigs was interrupted by machine gun fire. He grabbed his phone.
"Aguado here. Yes, Presidente, that's the Dakka firing. Apparently, Ensign Muñoz is hunting dragons."
"What?"
"The cocaine merchant gave us free samples of something called magic strips with the last batch. We tested one on Santana. He was fine at first, we gave another to Muñoz. Now Santana's threatening anyone who tries to get Muñoz off the machine guns."
"PRESIDENTE, THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU!" screamed Muñoz.
Mendoza had to dive for cover as bullets peppered the balcony.

The telephone rang.
"Admiral Marinero speaking."
"Mendoza here. Roger, why is the Pánico just sitting there in the bay? It's been there for a week."
"P-presidente, the boat has been quarantined. Suspected outbreak of err, rickettsialpox."
"I've seen that episode of House, Roger. So you're telling me it has nothing to do with the bet with Captain Aguado of the Dakka that certain two crewmembers on the Pánico will get together."
"I have no idea what you are talking about, Sir."
"You got drunk last week and told me. Nice try, but have this 'quarantine' dealt with immediately."
"Oh. Yessir."

El Presidente, General-Admiral-Air Marshal Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Clito Guerrero y Mendoza frowned at his technically second in command of the People's Navy of Santa Banana, Vice-Admiral Roger Caesar Marius Bernard de Delgado Torres Castillo Roberto Marinero.
"So you're telling me that we can't keep all three former Nazi U-Boats operational."
"Yessir. I suggest the Histeria and the Espanto get scrapped for spare parts to keep the Pánico running.
"We really shouldn't let Carlos name any more ships. Very well, keep the Pánico. Dismissed."
"Yessir."