Krasobruslení

Yuzu thought he was ready. But as he waits for warm-up, he suddenly doubts himself. His ankle is not healed, he's had so little training, and this is the event of his life.

Everything inside him seizes up and he can't breathe. He feels so alone, the sole bearer of a nation's expectation. Not even the adoring crowd of fans helps.

There's sudden warmth against his back, a mere brush of arm that will look accidental on camera. Javi, right there behind him, with him. A piece of home.

Yuzu smiles, draws a breath. It's time to skate for gold.

Yuzu wishes he could walk away from this - desperate kisses in dimmed hotel rooms, urgent couplings that shatter Yuzu's every hope of ever wanting anyone else, sweet confessions Yuzu knows count for nothing.

Javi dates her. Javi loves her. Javi presents her to his family and fucking marries her. Still, he always comes back to Yuzu, crying into his arms, begging for understanding, for just one more night, for absolution.

Yuzu wonders when he will finally manage to say no. To love himself more than he loves Javi. To encounter an unforgivable sin. Sometimes, he's afraid the answer is never.

"Would one of you please show Yuzuru the facilities, show him around?" Brian asks.

Silence.

"Come now, not so many," Brian goads. Still no response.

"I'll do it." Sweet Javi, of course, who barely knows his way around Toronto.

*

Months later, Yuzuru and Javi are still running around together and Brian is surprised. He got a bit of the expected rivalry, but the intense friendship that seems to be growing alongside it is unusual.

Still, as long as it works.

*

Two years later, when Brian catches Javi kissing Yuzu in the locker room, he's not even shocked. Of fucking course.

Some things, Yuzu keeps secret because he likes it that way - new costumes, competition strategy, the state of his injuries. The small Olympic rings tattoo below his right hipbone.

And then there's Javi, whom Yuzu keeps top secret because he must - their careers, sponsorships and dreams depend on it.

So when Javi kisses him all over his body, Yuzu keeps quiet, so nobody overhears him moaning Javi's name. And when they bask in the afterglow, Yuzu only has one mantra - one day, one day, one day.

He loves this man. And one day he'll shout it out to the world.

They talk about the depth of the field, the amount of new 'material' in skating. Yuzu feels like material that's been used so often it's fraying at the edges. A blade that's been sharpened one too many times. Off-balance.

His body hurts, but that's familiar. This new ache, it runs deeper. He stops, stares at the Spanish flag hanging right next to the rising sun.

Later that night, he calls.

"How did you keep going so long? How did you bear it?" he asks Javi.

There is silence at the other end. Then Javi says, voice rough. "I had you."

Javi’s life is what he's always imagined – lazy beach days, long nights with friends and family, a beautiful girlfriend and nothing to worry about.

And yet…

It all feels a little dull. Like something is missing.

*

One last time, Javi thinks, as he returns to Cricket before Europeans. He steps inside and there he is - all long, lean lines and breathtaking speed.

The moment Yuzuru turns to him, a brilliant smile blossoming on his face, is like the brightest star has lit up in the sky after months of darkness.

This, Javi realizes with a start, is what’s been missing.

"How are you today, Yuzu?" Brian asks him after warm-up.

"Good," Yuzu responds. His warm-up triples felt solid. "Nothing hurts."

Brian hums, then nods. "Quad Axel?"

Yuzu all but bounces. "HAI!"

"Get in the harness, then."

Yuzu frowns. He doesn't do harness. It's embarrassing. "But - "

"No buts. Safety first."

He grumbles, but obliges. Once in the harness, Brian signals for him to go. He picks up speed. Air whips through his hair, exhilaration pumping through his veins. He jumps. One, two, three, fou-

The harness straps bite into his sides, holding him up to avoid the crash.

"Again," says Brian.

"Isn't it a bit much?" Laura asks as they admire Madrid's Christmas lights. "Always training together - gotta be hard, no?"

Javi shrugs. "Yuzu's different. We can be rivals and friends."

"Didn't you say you even room together sometimes? How does that work?"

"It's... comforting. Knowing you're not alone." Javi is glad Laura cannot see him blush. They share a bed sometimes. Having a warm, familiar body to curl up against works wonders on both their sleep.

They walk in silence for a while.

"You're in love with him." It's not a question and Javi suddenly realizes Laura's right. As always.

The first time Yuzuru proclaims he wants Olympic gold, Javi chuckles. Kid is building castles in the air.

"Oh-kay," says Brian. "Let's see what's possible."

"I will win," Yuzuru repeats with such conviction that Javi almost believes him.

*

The second time Yuzu lays claim to Olympic gold, it's three months until PyeongChang and Yuzu can't walk. Javi loves him, but wonders if Yuzu might be delusional.

*

The third time, Javi doesn't doubt. When Yuzu looks at him in Saitama and says, "I will win in Beijing," Javi just embraces him in trepidation. He can hear the unsaid ‘or die trying’.

Disembarking in Japan always takes Yuzuru by surprise. The furore, the security detail, the fans. Cameras flash, the press descending upon him like hungry wolves. Their golden boy has returned and everyone wants a piece of him. He's arrived.

*

His music ends and the arena erupts in cheers, Poohs raining down onto the ice.

"Tadaima!" The words slip out unbidden. He knows he's done his country proud.

*

It isn't until much later, though, lying in bed in post-climactic bliss with Javi's arms wrapped around him, that Yuzu feels like he's exactly where he's meant to be.

Held, loved. At home.