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"I beg your pardon, Mister Ambassador?"
"I'm saying these cookies are simply delicious, Your Majesty."
The older staff members visibly paled.
"We," the Queen said gravely, "are not amused."
The younger amongst the staff exchanged puzzled looks, while the older members paled even more. Those words haven't been heard for more than two centuries. Until now.
"No colonial heathen shall utter the C-word within the premises of our residence! You have twenty-four hours to vacate your embassy, and all American military forces present within the United Kingdom have a week to withdraw."
The American ambassador just stared ahead, mouth agape.

The final shot rang.
The group watched as the Arch-Archon's body slid down to the ground.
"We did it!"
"Yeah? so why is it still going?"
They turned around to see the vortex still swirling, sucking in everything around it. The palace started dematerialising around them.
A beep made them turn around. A holographim of the Arch-Archon smiled at them.
"Oh dear, were you betting that with my death, the machine would stop? Did you think I was stupid enough to tie it to my life force? If that is the case, I have only one thing to say."

"Oops?"

She moved silently through the darkened warehouse. The heretics reportedly got hold of a shipment of the most blasphemous contraband.
Security measures, although quite heavy, were no problem. She was the top agent of the Italian Inquisition, after all.
And there it was. A medium-sized shipping container.
As she touched the lid, she suddenly found herself on the ground, twitching as waves of electricity ran through her body.
"I'm afraid our pineapple is not here." said a disembodied voice from a radio.
"We will prevail. And where you see one crate, I see four."
"Get it? C-4."
Everything went white.

"A teď už jen zakrytovat a utáhnout. S touhle hračičkou budeme schopni konečně detekovat plaché částice reziduální magie stvoření."
"Ehm..."
Wilhelmina se obrátila na zdroj onoho zvuku, svou asistentku Henriettu, a pozvedla levé obočí.
"To samé jsme si mysleli minule, a nakonec ta věc byla dobrá jen na hlídání optimální propečenosti steaku podle preferencí držitele. A předminule-"
"Do třetice všho dobrého!" Wilhelmina rychle asistentku přerušila a jala se přístrojem skenovat po mástnosti.
"To je divné..."
Na obrazovce nebylo vidět nic zvláštního. Z rozmaru pokusně zamířila přístroj na Henriettu.
Na displeji začaly vyskakovat slova.
LÁSKA
STAROST
ÚZKOST
Wilhelmina se prudce začervenala.

The telephone rang.
"Admiral Marinero speaking."
"Mendoza here. Roger, why is the Pánico just sitting there in the bay? It's been there for a week."
"P-presidente, the boat has been quarantined. Suspected outbreak of err, rickettsialpox."
"I've seen that episode of House, Roger. So you're telling me it has nothing to do with the bet with Captain Aguado of the Dakka that certain two crewmembers on the Pánico will get together."
"I have no idea what you are talking about, Sir."
"You got drunk last week and told me. Nice try, but have this 'quarantine' dealt with immediately."
"Oh. Yessir."

It's the tiny things that are gonna kill you. It wasn't the bright flash, or the deafening boom. It wasn't the searing heat that would have vapourised your flesh right off the bones, which would have disintegrated a second later. It wasn't the shockwave that turned houses to rubble, sent trees and cars flying.
It wasn't the burst of gamma radiation either. It's the dust that'll slowly kill you, tiny irradiated specks that'll turn your organs into liquid, but not before your skin starts looking like that of a zombie, you hair falls off. And there's nothing you can do.

He kept falling, accelerating towards the monolith. "I refuse to say it!" he yelled, as the Stargate opened and sucked him in. He expected the flashing, streaking colours and the psychedelic dimension, but he didn't expect to be overtaken by a bunch of cats leaving rainbow trails behind. Nor did he expect the planet-sized black-and-white cartoon faces with various expressions from sad to raging. The cats were swatted away by a red-headed girl wielding a leek the size of a nebula. The faces exploded in a shower of bananas.

And Peter fell off his bunk bed, right on his face.

"Hele, já fakt musím, já to na základnu nevydržím."
"Tak ale pohni, Adame."
Zmíněný voják se odebral do jedné ze zbořených budov, kde si stáhl kalhoty a přidřepl.
Jednotka se mezitím přesunula na blízké místo, určené pro přistání vrtulníku.
"Mudguard jedna pět pro Chickenhawk čtyři, žádáme extrakci z LZ Bravo, fialový kouř."
"Chickenhawk čtyři pro Mudguard jedna pět, potvrzujeme, LZ Bravo, fialová."
Netrvalo dlouho a z nebe se snesla Huey, do které se jednotka bleskurychle naskládala.
Mariňáci si zhluboka oddechli, když Huey nechala rozbořené město Hue daleko za zády.
"Ty seržo, já mám pořád pocit, že jsme na něco zapomněli..."

You think you're special. News flash, everybody does. Everybody tries so hard to be different that you all end up the same.

People just refuse to acknowledge that their lives are, all in all, unremarkable, bland, uniform. They wish to be different but don't have the stones to actually be.

We are lost, as a race. We all wish to forge our own path, but instead we shun those who do.

And we herd the lost sheep back to the corral, yet we wish we were in their place.

And in the grand game of life, there is no winner.

After the supper, Brother Abelard retreated to his cell to pray in solitude. He didn't notice the strange smile on the cook's face. Abelard was a thorn in his side for a long time, constantly complaining about food. Tonight, he made sure the meal was indeed spicy.

Abelard knelt before the crucifix and started reciting the prayer.
"Oh shut up! Why did you give up the worldly pleasures for this?" Christ exclaimed, and then launched into a song praising all the forbidden parts of human anatomy. And every stone brick grew a face and joined him in chorus.

Abelard screamed.

Rozvalený v křesle se sklenkou skotské, Hugo si užíval středeční večer v roli slaměného vdovce. Ale něco tomu přeci chybělo. Zasedl k počítači a jal se navštívit onu webovou stránku, kam čas od času zavítá většína osamělých jedinců, když na ně přijdou pudy živočišné. Kliknul na sekci obsahující nejnovější videa. Hned první video na řadě vypadalo v náhledu lákavě. Po rozkliknutí se dostavil menší šok. Při odhalování herečka odhalila i tetování - široký nápis PEPSI takřka přes celá bedra.
Překlikl na další video. Logo automobilky Škoda přes břicho. Klik. "Ryanair" na obou stehnech. Klik. Klik. Klik.
"Tak na tohle Adblock nezabere..."

Grilovačka byla v plném proudu. Ondřej, hostitel a vrchní grilmistr, ale udělal fatální chybu, jelikož pověřil hlídáním grilu Roberta, zvaného též Kopr, fanatického vyznavače starých mercedesů a člověka s pár pochybnými návyky.
"Hele, Kopr, nemělo by se to maso votočit?"
"Ale jasně, brácho, hned jdu na to."
Nad nabízenými kleštěmi mávnul rukou.
"Na co kleště, brácho, to se dělá takhle."
Než ho někdo stačil zastavit, Kopr si naslinil prsty a jal se plátky masa otáčet holou rukou. Po vykonání onoho činu si ještě prsty okázale olíznul a zahlásil:
"Mňam, Kotányi, to je nejlepší koření, brácho, to jde fakt na všechno."

Seth opened the engine cover on his antigrav bike and was greeted with sparks and smoke.
"Well, shit. Can't fix that"
A rustle of leaves startled him, but it turned out to be just a small, wide-eyed creature, reminiscent of Earth's lemurs. It softly chirped.
"And I bet you don't know how to fix it either, huh?"
[Take the topmost crystal from the antigrav matrix and bridge the two on the right with it, that'll create a bypass which allows the matrix to feed the thrusters directly.]
"Sorry, little guy, I don't have any food."
[Why do I even try?]

"Ty, Heinrichu, slyšels nejnovější drby? Führer vzdává invazi do Británie, prej se chystá napadnout Sověty."
"Nojo, Göringovi stáhnuli rozpočet, objednal náhradní díly z levnějších zdrojů. Hlavně aby bylo na pozemní ofenzívu."
"A Dönitz chce víc a víc peněz na ty svoje ponorky. Holt to musí odskákat letectvo."
"Naše starost to není, Hansi. To ať si vyřídí ti nahoře."
Mechanici se spokojeně natáhli do trávy.
"Ty, Hansi, já nedávno měnil knipl na Žluté 13..."

Vysoko v oblacích se Werner von Unglücklichburg chystal zahájit sestup na přistání, v čemž mu ovšem zabránila řídící páka, která mu zůstala v ruce.
"Ah, fick mich..."

Hi! I'm Frank! I'm a mimic! I have the best job ever! My friend and I travel a lot, see new places, meet new people, see a lot of beasts and monsters and demons and angels, kill them, and sometimes we have to save people from them! Well, I say we, but she does the hard stuff! Throwing that big shield around, killing demons and stuff. And I get to pick up and carry all that gold we find! Recently she found a thingy which makes monsters explode with gold when they die! Isn't that exciting? All that gold! GOLD!

She blinked
She was but a sapling, reaching for the sun, just like her sisters.

She blinked
She stood tall, taller than her sisters, and as far as she could see, a spruce forest stretched.

She blinked
Strange structures stood where some of her sisters once stood. Those structures appeared to be made...of her sisters.

She blinked
Gone were the spruce structures, replaced by tall ones made of a strange material, and gone were more of her sisters.

She blinked
She stood alone amongst structures of metal and crystal, so tall that she couldn't see the sun. She wept.

click
The fire's dying. The hurricane outside shows no signs of weakening. It's been two days. There were four of us. I'm the only one left. When they come, my dessicated corpse will join the others on the floor of this cave. There's no stopping them. At least I won't be feeling any pain as the fluids are drained from my body by their countless proboscides. They inject you with something. They're mere insects, but I swear, there is some diabolical intelligence guiding them, otherwise we wouldn't be picked off one by one.
If you find this, run. Run.
click

El Presidente, General-Admiral-Air Marshal Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Clito Guerrero y Mendoza frowned at his technically second in command of the People's Navy of Santa Banana, Vice-Admiral Roger Caesar Marius Bernard de Delgado Torres Castillo Roberto Marinero.
"So you're telling me that we can't keep all three former Nazi U-Boats operational."
"Yessir. I suggest the Histeria and the Espanto get scrapped for spare parts to keep the Pánico running.
"We really shouldn't let Carlos name any more ships. Very well, keep the Pánico. Dismissed."
"Yessir."

"Šarlatová Vložka pro Plesnivou Ponožku, kolíčky došly, opakuji, kolíčky došly, přepínám."

Na radiové lince se na chvíli rozhostilo ticho.

"Plesnivá Ponožka pro Šarlatovou Vložku, cože? Němci přesunuli do Amiens eskadru vzducholodí? Přepínám."
"Šarlatová Vložka pro Plesnivou Ponožku, cože? Ne, Němci přivezli do Amiens munici pro osmaosmdesátky Flak, přepínám."
"Plesnivá Ponožka pro Šarlatovou Vložku, to je ale kyblíčky přišly, opakuji, kyblíčky přišly, přepínám."

Do nastalého ticha se vložil třetí hlas.
.
"Já to uš nemůšu poslouchat, kyblíčky by byly patnásticentimetrové Feldhaubitze. Šarlatofá Floška má recht, je to munice pro Acht-Acht."

Následné ticho bylo velice, velice rozpačité.

"Ah, fick mich..."
"HANS, DU DUMMKOPF!!!"

Once upon a time there was a wise king, who ruled his kingdom with honour and wisdom. But as the kingdom grew, he found out that he couldn't manage the entirety of it anymore. But he couldn't trust his ministers completely, for politicians are a twisted kin, straight as a corkscrew. He turned to his court scientists, and together they developed a method for the king to multiply by mitosis. And so the king ate enormous amounts of food. Soon there were two of him, then four, then eight, and so on, and they all ruled with honour and wisdom.

A single red one. A polka dotted one. Two striped ones, too bad that each has a different colour. And here we have a pink one with little yellow duckies pattern. I didn't even know I had a pair of those. Well, the keyword is had, past tense. Wait a minute, that might be it! I may have solved one of the great mysteries of the universe! If mine are missing, and I seem to have acquired one of unknown origin, that means there must be a quantum exchange mechanism. So that is how your socks always go missing! Eureka!

Jeho obraz v zrcadle se usmál.
"Trvalo mi to věčnost, než jsem tě sem dostal. Poslední dílek skládačky zvané vědomí, která se nám rozsypala. A jeětě milionkrát tolik, než jsem dokončil tenhle svět se vším všudy. Anebo sotva týden, pokud to bereš podle času tam venku. Jseš...jsme v kómatu, ze kterého se neprobudíme. Neboj, čas tady plyne jinak. Za chvilku zapomeneme všechno, a budeme snít život. A nuda to nebude."
Zamrkal a podíval se na svůj obraz v zrcadle. Nevěděl proč, ale usmál se. Někde v temnotě za oknem cosi zavylo. Noc byla mladá, a práce bylo nad hlavu.

Danny? Yeah, he's the best. He's this bumbling, charming idiot. He stumbles, trips over things, then does this thing, rubbing the back of his head, smiling sheepishly. You can't not think he's adorable like that. You'll get to like him. You'll actually enjoy his company, right up till he pulls a knife out of nowhere and rams it in the base of your skull. You'll be dead quickly, painlessly as the blade severs your spinal column, right between the vertebrae. He's the best killer for hire we've got. He's not cheap, but whoever you need gone won't see it coming.

The Beast never dies until you do, it never goes away. Sometimes it goes to sleep, and you don't see it for weeks, months, years even, but it's always there, waiting, ready to kick you while you're already down. Anything can wake it up, even just a memory or seeing or hearing or reading something that evokes the ghosts.
Just be positive and smile, people say. You're just lazy, people say.
They have the wrong idea. It's not sadness, it's not gloom. It's a mental paralysis, it's expending tremendous energy just to perform basic functions, and it's never really gone.

"Pánové, tohle se nesmí dostat ven. Lidi se nemůžou dozvědět, že je od termonukleární zkázy dělil jediný přepínač."
"Pět ze šesti kroků k aktivaci hlavice. Nemluvě o tom, co se stalo s druhou bombou," dodal druhý muž v místnosti.
"Byla to obyčejná havárie. Ta B-52 byla na cvičném letu. Na palubě měla cvičné bomby Mark 39 bez hlavice," prohlásil třetí a poslední přítomný.
"No nevím, tohle asi veřejnost nezbaští. A možná už si technici lidi ze záchranných týmů pustili pusu na špacír. Musíme připravit víc variant prohlášení podle toho, co už prosáklo ven."
"Pokud to bude možné, zatloukat, zatloukat, zatloukat."

I've been at the Gates for gods know how long. You wouldn't believe what things try to get in constantly. Let's just say that amorphous protoplasmic blobs with hundreds of eyes and dozens of mouths lined with teeth that would make an anglerfish feel insecure are tame in comparison. Lack of sanity is a job pre-requisite. The only contact with beings that aren't trying to eat my face are the semi-regular supply runners. Fortunately, I've yet to encounter a monster that wouldn't succumb to my trusty Winchester. One bullet fits them all. Or a hundred bullets, just to be sure.

"Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn!" zaklel Heinrich, když se už potřetí marně snažil nasadit jednu z malých, ale důležitých matek v hloubi motoru momentálně letu neschopného Messerschmittu. Podíval se znovu na svou momentální nemesis a plácl se do čela. Špatná velikost! Náprava byla jednoduchá, rychle našel v přihrádce nedalekého ponku matici správné velikosti.
'No jo, ale odkud se ta špatná vzala?' Heinrich nad tím přemýšlel asi pět sekund, a šel se natáhnout na trávu. Byl přece tak krásný den.

Kdesi nad lamanšským průlivem se z motoru letounu poručíka Wernera von Unglücklichburg ozvala děsivá rána následovaná oblakem černého kouře.
"Ah, fick mich..."

She travelled to the very beginning, she saw the tiny spark that became the Universe unfold.
She travelled to the very end and saw the last light in the Universe die.
She saw birth and death of stars, she saw civilisations rise and turn to ash.
She watched galaxies devour each other, tangled in the web of slow death.
She watched the ash of a dead star coalesce and ignite.
She saw it all, twice.
Yet she could only see, and longed to be shackled by time again, longed for the mortal shell she cast off recklessly, and she wept.

Jedenáctá hodina už je skoro pryč, a já marně vzývám mozek, nápad nikde. Amygdalo, nemáš pro mě něco s depresí? Anebo úzkost, to ty taky umíš, včetně fobií. Nebylo by něco v dlouhodobé paměti? Určitě je tam něco deset patnáct let staré, co už nemůžu nijak ovlivnit, co bych nejradši udělal jinak, co si tak "rád" připomínám ve tři ráno. A co pre-frontální lalok, nemá něco z krátkodobé paměti, na co jsem zapomněl a na co už je pozdě? Zadní mozku, nebyly by nějaké primitivní pudy? Kůro mozková, vymysli něco. No tak, má někdo něco? No nehlaste se všichni, krucinálhimlhergotdonrvetršajskárlgot!

Leželi na dece a divali se na nebe poseté hvězdami.
"Země zkříží dráhu tohohle meteorického roje jednou za sto let, veřila bys tomu? A tady jsme na místě s nejmenší hladinou světelného smogu v Evropě. to bude výhled!"
Usmála se a podala mu sendvič.
"Mmmm, to je dobré. Co je v tom?" zeptal se a pustil se do druhého.
"Burákové máslo."
Vyplivl sousto, které měl v ústech. "A-ale já mám na buráky alergii, já ti to zapomně-"
Nedořekl to a začal vydávat dusivé zvuky.
Usmála se. "Ale já vím. Měsíc mi to trvalo se k tobě dostat, ale... Zakázka splněna."

"Yo, I'm bored."
"It's boredom tonight? You've got to stop shuffling emotions around, Amygdala."
"So we've got that 'alone in the crowd' thing, right? But that's boring, everybody has it nowadays! It needs more zazz."
"More what now? On the other hand, forget that I asked."
"You're such a bore, Dorsal Raphe Nucleus."
"Oh I know. How about a phobia of crowds? Let's have a panic attack whenever there's a large concentration of people in a limited space! It's gonna be perfect for public transport! And no more enjoying concerts! And let's not forget parties with lots of people! Yay!"

When they kicked down the door to the flat, they found him sitting at a desk, eating. With his back turned towards the door, he didn't even seem to notice the intruders.
"High Inquisition! You are hereby sentenced to immediate execution for committing an Unforgivable Sin, putting pin-"
"Yeah, yeah, save it. I was expecting you."
"Any last words, heathen?"
"I have nothing to say to corpses."
"What?"
Three suppressed gunshots sounded through the flat.
He rose, grabbed the last slice of pineapple pizza, stepped over the bodies of three Inquisitors, and walked out.
There was work to be done.

"Hans, tohle musí okamžitě vidět Canaris!"
Zmíněný důstojník Abwehru přelétl očima zprávu, kterou mu jeho kolega třísknul o stůl.
"Ze Španělska? Řecko? Sardinie? Hmmm..."
Gruber znal Hanse a jeho 'hmm' víc, než bylo zdrávo.
"Verdammt, Hans, teď není čas na ty tvoje verrückttheorien! Co by tak Angláni asi mohli udělat?"
Hans to vzal jako pobídku.
"Sebrat mrtvolu bezdomovce, navlíct ho do uniformy námořnictva, vyrobit mu novou identitu se vším všudy, falešná přítelkyně atakdále, podstrčit mu padělanou tajnou depeši, dát ho k ledu, ponorkou ho zavézt ke Gibraltaru, vyklopit ho tam, Španělé ho najdou a pochlubí se nám?"
"Fick dich, Hans."

She flashed me a wicked grin from below her sweaty bangs. "I gotta admit, you're pretty good for someone who's never done this before. Been a long time since I got so winded."
I threw an equally naughty grin back at her. "Well, what can I say? I guess I've got a natural knack for it. Now imagine me when I actually get some real practice." I waggled my eyebrows.
"You up for another?"
I laid back on the grass. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
She sheathed her sword. "We'll fence again tomorrow, then."

Ticho na můstku Arga prořízlo pípnutí senzorů. Důstojník "noční služby", jak se říkalo třetí směně, se probral ze snění. Mapování Oortova mračna byla veskrze rutinní záležitost, skoro každá neobvyklá událost byla vítaným zpestřením. Skoro.
Důstojník třesoucími se prsty klepl do interkomu.
"Kapitáne, nerad vás budím, ale tohle musíte vidět."

O pět minut později se kapitán mračil na obratovku. "Neobvykle jasná hvězda? Kvuli tomu nejsem teď v říši Morfeově?"
Důstojník noční služby jen beze slova zobrazil souřadnice.

"No do prdele. Těm šílencům z CERNu se to povedlo. No do prdele."

Tam, kde obrazovka ukazovala souřadnice Země, plápolala malá, ale jasná hvězda.

She looked up, tears running down her face stricken with disbelief and fear. She struggled feebly against the restraints.
"Why? Why are you doing this? And why me? I thought you were my friend!"
He chuckled while sharpening the knife.
"I suppose you're expecting to hear some sob story about childhood abuse, a pedo uncle or something like that. Or maybe that I've always loved you, but I knew you would never see me as more as a friend, and this is the only way that we'll always be together."
He chuckled again.
"The truth is, I just like killing."

He didn't remember when was the last time he took the bike for a ride to nowhere deciding where to go at every intersection, every junction, not knowing where he would end up. There would be nothing but the sun, the wind, the road, the roar of the machine beneath.
Still reminiscing, he mounted his bike. The engine awakened with a cough that became a deep, thrumming roar. With a sigh, he set off. He missed the feeling of the wind blowing through his hair, and he would never experience that sensation again.
The sun reflected off his bald head.

Nazdar, ty v zrcadle.
Vzpomínáš, když nám bylo sotva deset?
Nechat se draftovat do NHL, získat Vezinu, Stanleyho?
A co patnáct? Okouzlit češtinářku? Teda když jsme zrovna nefantazírovali o životě s Terezou?
Někde mezi dvaceti a třiceti, vykašlat se tady na všechno a všechny, odjet přes půl světa za tou roztomilou slečnou, co jsme kvůli ní pravidelně zůstávali vzhůru do rozbřesku, vystudovat tam, a dělat bůhvíco?
Jo, to byly naivní časy.
A podívej se, jak vypadaj naše vzdušný zámky dneska.

Vstát z postele, zvládat každodenní lidský situace, přestat sám sebe sabotovat neschopností se pohnout a něco udělat, dokud není pozdě.

Moje bezcílné bloumání přerušil výkřik, který rozhodně nevyšel z lidského hrdla.

"POECILOTHERIA metallica!"

Dva metry přede mnou odněkud seskočil kovově modrý, dlouhonohý sklípkan velikosti poníka. A nebyl sám.

"ACANTHOSCURRIA geniculata!"

Tenhle byl černý, s bíle pruhovanýma nohama a řídkou, narudlou srstí.

"Caribena VERSICOLOR!"

Třetí pavouk byl porostlý hustou, červenou srstí, která kontrastovala s modrozelenou hlavohrudí.

"OBT"

Jasně oranžový sklípkan se okamžitě po dopadu vztyčil do 'hrozícího' postoje.

"Pambhobeteus ULTRAMARINUS!"
"Brachypelma KLAASI!"

Šestice pavouků zaujala pózu jak z nějakého anime a jednohlasně vykřikla:

"FÚZNÍ TECHNIKA - P.A.V.O.U.K.! MORFUJEM!"

Tak to je naposled, co krmím pavouky před spaním.